|
Author: Steve Roberts Article source: http://www.whatworksforcouples.com/. Used with author's permission.
You have a choice right now. It's about your perspective and your sense of empowerment.
You can perceive the title of this article as a shaming statement that says there is something really wrong with you, so, shame on you. Therefore, you must feel bad about yourself.
Or, you can feel empowered by this title because you know that the ability to make your life as you want it is in your hands. You are the source of all the choices that have put you in a place of discomfort, pain, or misery. You have also made the choices that brought to you joy, enlightenment, and serenity. You have the Choice to make things better for yourself by making better choices.
I received many questions this week from people who would truly like to improve their lives. One of the main themes was (my summary), "How can I change my partner, my friend, my parents, or my world so that they will love me appropriately, do what I want, or do what is good for them?"
The questions come out of pain and disastisfaction, and from situations that cry out for change. However, these questions all assume that the solution will be arrived at when other people change.
This is the same problem I face with couples doing marriage therapy. We almost always have to go through several sessions of the "Blame Game" before we can get down to business. It's "he said" and "she said" ad nauseum. She says he should change, and he says she should change.
But finally, we start to break through to a key question, "If your partner doesn't change, what will YOU do, how will YOU think, and how will YOU take charge of yourself from here on?"
"And, how will you do that with justice, fairness, respect, self containment, and belief in your inner sense of direction regardless of your partner's attempts to change you back?"
A fear at this point is that if you take good care of yourself then your partner may leave you. This leaving could be through silence, hostility, finding someone else, or physically leaving entirely. The good news is that this rarely happens in a severe way. Usually, your partner will try ingenious ways to trick you back into the old behaviors. And, you will fall for it many times.
If the leave taking actually happens then we have a much more serious problem going on with your relationship and simple "self-help" is not going to fix the problem. Professional counseling is required.
Another fear is that you don't know what good self-care is and that you will make a mistake, creating unnecessary problems and pain.
If this is true for you, then educate yourself about it. And then, trust your sense for what is respectful treatment of others and treat yourself the same way. It's really not so complicated.
(And finally, feeling guilty about self-care sabotages this whole thing over and over. We think we are being "selfish" rather than practicing self-care. I'm not going to try to cover this one today. It will take another whole article to address. Let me just say that this argument against self-care doesn't hold up too well.)
The further good news is if I can help one person in a couple start to choose this perspective of self choice and self empowerment, then the partner is usually effected in a positive light. We then move on to stage two of couples therapy where we can actually work on couple problems.
This can work for you, too. YOU are the problem. Not that other person. The sooner you accept your responsibility to treat yourself well regardless of what the other does the sooner you might have a chance of the other person actually changing.
You get to be responsible for you, not for your partner. You get to make the choices for how you will behave, not how the other behaves. You get to perceive this as a choice of empowerment... Or you can see it as just another sign of what you can't do. The choice is up to you...
But I want you to know something. And that is that I believe in you.
After all my experiences of helping many, many other people grow in this way, I really do believe in your ability to change yourself for the better. I believe you have the strength, the courage, and the inner conviction to make it happen for you. Because, if you are the problem, you are also the solution. Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family
Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets
from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam,
his partner in Life and profession, he has personally
known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.
Get insight and wisdom for your relationships at
http://www.whatworksforcouples.com.
One Pipeline Is Worth A Thousand Paychecks
Have you ever dreamed of being financially free seomeday ? Yes, let me repeat, FINANCIAL FREEDOM. One pipeline is worth a thousand paychecks. Start building one...
Focus On The Customer: The Only Secret To Closing
People are always looking for ways to close the sale. Often times when
you lose a sale, it has nothing to do with your ability to close. The only
secret to ...
Caribbean Stud Poker Rules
Caribbean stud is one of the poker games where you don't compete against other players and also don't play for the pot.
Management Apathy
Some owners are too close to the business to see the forest for the trees. Poor earnings call for proactive management. An outsider is frequently able to see ...
Could You Be Setting Your Business Plan Up For Failure?
"It's unlikely a business plan by itself will bring funding in the door, unless it is part of an overall marketing strategy."
Free Traffic Course - Day 8
Even a person without programming knowledge can handle changes on the web site. This can be done with a special web site tool - content manager or content manag...
Are You Addicted To Gambling?
Most people know the answer to this question. You don't have to think twice. You know the truth but are you willing to face it? Facing this addiction means le...
Graphic Design Can Make or Break Your Web Site
We all want high impact graphics for our Web sites, Right.
How To Choose a Qualitative Research Market
Do you conduct qualitative research in large, entertaining markets, with direct flights or do you select the correct market based on demographics for your quali...
Are You Running the Risk of an Uninsured Business? Beware & Get Business Insurance
Human life is precarious and so are the activities they indulge in. So it is not just the human life that needs to be protected but the work that he does - his ...
To Picket Fences
The "fence height" controversy has traveled to the California communities of Burbank, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, Richmond and Glendale where angry homeowners ha...
Keep Your Work From Home Newsletter From Being A Spam Filter Casualty
If you are a Home Based Business owner that sends out a newsletter regularly you'll want to keep the following tips in mind to make certain your Work At Home Ne...
Rich or Poor - Get the Knowledge
Let me ask you a question. Are you saving a percentage of what you earn or are you like most people who spend everything? Alarmingly, there are new statistics w...
Maximizing Your Potential: Using Your Brain to Think
History is filled with many instances where individuals, many without a high school diploma, became successful businesspersons because they knew how to gather i...
I’m Not Depressed; I’ve Just Been Having A Lousy Conversation With Myself
Not long ago, I attended a mastermind group. During the meeting, one of the women went into a litany about how terrible things had been in the past few weeks a...
Whose Story Is It?
If your story doesn't seem to be working, it could be that you've chosen the wrong viewpoint character. Read through these common problems to see if they might ...
Being a Good Coach
Andre Agassi, Brett Favre, Christine Aguilera, what do they all have in common-a good coach. Being a good manager or leader is essential to developing your sta...
Setting Goals and Obtaining Results
This article discusses a goal-setting process that promotes organizational success by developing goals that are specific, measurable, clear and attainable. It i...
Making the Most of Your Year
Do you find yourself amazed at how quickly the months pass? Do you find yourself in a small panic over all you know you have to do and how little you feel you a...
The “Better Product” fallacy
Marketing people think that better product will win the day for them. Philip Kotler says, "Marketer too much concentrates on product". Marketer concentrates mor...
Tummy Tightening and Weight Loss
If you are serious about wanting to lose weight successfully without falling victim to yo-yo dieting, a reliable rule of thumb is: when in doubt, go organic.
Essential Oils and Our Pets
Defining what essential oils are and how to apply them in your pet care.
Gestational Diabetes
Gestational diabetes is a temporary condition that occurs during pregnancy, and affects about 4% of all pregnancies, making it one of the top health concerns re...
Keeping Gars - A Short Review
Gars are large predatory fishes that despite their size can make suitable pets. Read more about these interesting fishes.
|
Print this page