|
Author: Judy Ringer Article source: http://www.hodu.com/. Used with author's permission.
The Dance of Conflict
When faced with the prospect of meeting with a confrontational employee, the project manager of a New Hampshire insurance company heaved a sigh. Not again, he thought to himself. Every conversation with this guy is a struggle.
He decided to use the meeting as an opportunity to shift perspective and try a new approach. He began by imagining that the employee had good intentions but was a bit rough around the edges. He considered that maybe if he aligned with the employee, he might be better able to direct him. First, he arranged the office chairs so that instead of face to face, they were at oblique angles and generally facing the same direction. Then he took a few deep breaths and opened the door.
The employee began by stating with intensity all that was going wrong with the project. The manager's initial reaction was to resist the attack, but he refocused his attention on listening and understanding and sat quietly for a while. Instead of coming back with answers or a rebuttal, he found himself asking the employee what he thought the real nature of the problem was and what actions he would suggest to solve it. The confrontational atmosphere diffused and gave way to a sense of collaboration. The two were aligned physically in their chairs and now conceptually in the way they approached the problem. The change the manager made in himself turned out to be very effective, and both manager and employee began to work on solving the issues facing the project.
From Tormentor to Teacher
It's hard to like everyone. Some colleagues are great partners; we know their style and blend easily with them. We "dance well together." With others we always seem to be out of step. We wonder, How can they be that way? or What makes them tick? Or worse - we don't care; we just want to be as far away as possible.
The problem is we still have to work with these people, and our reactivity in their presence gives them a kind of power over us. However, by seeking to understand the opponent, we take the initiative. At worst, we learn something. At best, we may turn them into an ally and improve the quality of the work environment.
But how do you turn a tormentor into a teacher? Begin by asking yourself some questions about who they are and why they behave the way they do.
Who is this person away from the workplace? See the different parts of this person - the parent, grandparent, friend, dancer, skier, singer, or loved one (of someone!). Chances are you're only seeing the annoying part of your tormentor. Widen your perspective.
What is their positive intention? Underneath the disrespectful behavior, what do they really want? Respect? Independence? Control? Acknowledgement? Attention? You may realize that you have similar goals, though you seek them differently.
Why do you think they behave as they do? It's useful to adopt the attitude that their actions have little (if anything) to do with you. Most people operate out of habit. Even if they don't get the respect or attention they desire, they can't change because they don't know any other way. Maybe it falls to you to help them find it. Suggest ways they might achieve their aims more effectively. Be their teacher.
True Power
As you read this article, think of someone with whom your "dance" feels like a struggle. Then, instead of wishing they would change, start with yourself. It doesn't mean you're wrong, at fault, or need to change your opinion. It means that in order to resolve the conflict it works better to begin with what you can control - you.
Remember that you're doing this for you. You're stuck and you want to get unstuck. Like your tormentor, you've been taking actions that aren't working, so try something new. When your well-being depends upon the actions of others, you inadvertently give them power. But with awareness and practice, you can make new choices about how you respond to the difficult people and situations in your life - and take the power back.
Our project manager and his employee will have more opportunities to dance with conflict as their relationship changes and grows. Thanks to the manager's willingness to try something new, they've discovered common ground from which to begin the process. We all have challenging people in our lives. Will they be tormentors or teachers? Our perspective greatly influences our response.
-------------------------- © 2004 Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training
You're welcome to reprint this story. If you do, please include this reference: Judy Ringer is a conflict and communication skills trainer, black belt in aikido, and sole owner of Power & Presence Training. For ideas and inspiration on conflict, communication, and creating the life you want, visit us online at http://www.JudyRinger.com/
Behavioral Interview Techniques
Some behavioral interview techniques that will help you win your job.
A New Dad To Be? Deer in the headlights?
Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like most men, this can be a scary situation. We go through so many emotions and sometimes we don't know what to think o...
Eye Cream: Believe It Or Not?
Does eye cream really work? While we can not say for every brand out there, but what we do know is that many do in fact help you to lose those crows feet and h...
Smokey Mountain Cabins - There Is Only One!
Did you know there are no Smokey Mountain cabins for vacation rentals inside the Great Smokey Mountains National Park -- except one! To get there, do you just ...
Duck
Duck! No I don't mean a quack, quack. I meant get down, look out for a huge blob of brown stuff is heading your way.
The Secrets of…
The article asks if there are real secrets of search engine optimization or if it is just a good business to sell books that reveal the secrets. It cites source...
Web Production And Design Tips
You have identified that to have an internet prescence would be of benefit to your small business, however are not sure how to proceed. This article gives free ...
You Dont Have To Be A Genius To Write A Love Poem
Most people are intimidated by the idea of writing a poem. But it may be easier than you think to express how you feel in verse.
Goal Setting: Maximizing Your Full Potential
Goals need to be very detailed. You can't just say, "I want to have a new car this year". You have to get all of your five senses involved. What kind of car, wh...
Debt and New Spirituality
How do we look at debt in the new energies and how can we bring balance again in our lives?
How Many Salespeople Should I Hire?
Building a large sales team is key to growing sales. Find out exactly how many salespeople you need to achieve your goals.
Selling the Difficult: How to Sell What People Dont Understand How to Buy
I'll play a seller, using conventional selling methods, selling something difficult to understand; you be the prospective buyer. As we go through the process to...
Ease Menopause Symptoms with Aromatherapy
Understanding menopause and the associated symptoms. Ease the physical and psychological symptoms of menopause with holistic aromatherapy. Benefits of some rec...
The Truth About Hair Loss
It is normal to shed hair every day and the truth is we loose between 100-125 hairs on any given day.
Golf Swing Training The Right Way
Golf swing training is a critical area in the improvement of any golfer's game. Yet not all golf swing training programs are the same. The truth of the matter i...
Search Engine Optimisation Copywriting – the Top Ten Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them
In the last few years, search engine optimisation copywriting in the UK and around the world has changed beyond recognition, as has the way sites are optimised ...
Are You Winning the Talent Wars?
Business success demands that you attract, develop and retain more productive employees than your competitors. This article is a commentary on what some of the ...
Learn to Play the Piano
Rocket Piano is a very professionally done piano lesson package. It includes a number of ebooks, audio tracks, and video tracks to support the instructional mat...
The World of Cornbread
We're partial to cornbread. We like its rustic texture and chewy goodness. We like its versatility—it works for breakfast, lunch or dinner. It complements eg...
The Ultimate Swing Training Program
Synopsis on the the ultimate golf swing training program for golfers. Discussess how your swing can be fixed in a few easy steps...
How to use Emotional Content to Increase Visitor Response
Did you know that many folks make "buying decisions" when they are moved emotionally? Other traditional medias have made the most of these principles and taken ...
Forgiveness- The Path To Healing & Spiritual Growth
Often times after we have been emotionally,physically or spiritually hurt, the pain quickly turns to anger and resentment. We go over the episodes of the past ...
How To Introduce Your Puppy To The World
Socializing your puppy is an essential process in bringing up a happy, healthy dog.
Choosing An Estate Agent
With so many estate agencies vying for your business, choosing the right agency can be difficult. We have put together the following top ten tips to help you fi...
|
Print this page