Debbie, a high school junior, appeared to everyone to have the ideal life: on the honor roll, decent part-time job, played three instruments, active in her church youth group, and she was dating a senior, the band's drum major, Brian. What few people knew about Debbie was that often she sported bruises on her inside upper arm or stomach where Brian would squeeze her arm or hit her during a jealous rage. When Debbie confided in a close friend, the friend asked why she put up with it. "He doesn't mean to hurt me," Debbie replied. "He just loves me so much he can't stand even the thought of me talking to another guy."
Debbie's situation may sound far removed from that of your own teenagers, but statistics show that more than one out of four high school students will experience physical violence at the hands of someone they date, according to the book Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger published by The Seal Press in 1991. Teen dating violence, like domestic violence, crosses all barriers: race, religion, economic standing, sexual preference. Dating violence and domestic abuse are about two things, power and a need to control. The abuse can be psychological/emotional, physical, sexual and/or social/environmental, as in isolating the victim from others.
As parents, we hate to see anything bad happen to our children, especially when it seems preventable. But walking away from dating violence may not be as easy as it seems. And forbidding your child to see the offender may only make the situation worse.
The following list summarize the factors that keep adolescents going out with abusers:
1)Fear. Your child may fear for his/her life or the safety or her family, pets, etc.
2) Pressure to conform to peer group norms—as in everyone else has a boyfriend or thinks "Joe" is a great guy, so he must be.
3) Female socialization which fosters the assumption that women are responsible for problem-solving in a relationship.
4) Lack of dating and/or sexual experience on which to base decisions
5) Poor self-esteem, thinks s/he deserves or somehow causes the abuse
6) Tendency to confuse control and jealousy with love
7) Tendency to reject adult authority
8) The double standard about sexual activity—men revered for conquests, women labeled "sluts" and the fear of having to admit to a parent that you are sexually active
9) Fear of important people's opinions or judgment, if s/he's in an abuse homosexual relationship and no one knows about the relationship (list adapted from the information and resource handbook "Domestic / Dating Violence" written by the Metropolitan King County Council)
The above lists reasons why your teen may stay in an abusive relationship, but how can we tell if our teens are in this kind of relationship in the first place? Some warning signs are obvious, such as repeated physical injuries and/or bruises, but also be alert to fear, depression, withdrawal from family and/or friends, exhaustion, drop in school performance, use of alcohol or other drugs or pregnancy. (Over seventy percent of pregnant teens are beaten by their partners, according to the Connecticut Clearinghouse, a program of Wheeler Clinic, Inc.)
If the above symptoms describe your teenager, what should you do? Parents' first impulses are to rescue their children, but commanding, forbidding or even trying to reason with a teen may make the teen all the more determined to stay with the abuser. Empower your teen instead by supporting her and giving her the strength to make the choice to leave the abuser. According to a fact sheet produced by the Connecticut Clearinghouse, "Teens may not turn to adults for help if they feel they will not be allowed to make their own decisions." Confiding in mom or dad may put your teen's newly acquired independence at risk and may result in added restrictions. Especially if your teen is seeing someone you weren't overly fond of from the start. Teens never want to permit a parent the opportunity to say "I told you so."
So, what can you do if you suspect your teen is involved in a violent relationship? First, make sure you, as a parent, are in an abuse-free relationship. If your daughter or son sees your significant other verbally putting you down all the time, calling you names or physically striking out at you, your teen will learn from your experiences that abuse is a natural part of a relationship, when it isn't. Talk to your teen about the dynamics of equal and/or healthy relationships, one with respect for each other's opinions, dreams and bodies, open communications and close friendships, both mutually and individually.
Most importantly, let your teen know you'll always be ready to lend an ear and support, without forcing your judgment upon her. And if necessary, help her obtain a restraining order or seek mental health help. Victims can contact organizations such as Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE), a program of Mothers Against Violence in America (MAVIA) and talk to other teens in like situations. David Perlman, Director of SAVE, talks with students regularly and stresses, "Loving someone should never mean that you will sacrifice your personal rights in a relationship or tolerate behavior that you would not accept from any other friend or acquaintance."
In the case of Debbie and Brian, it took her a year and a half to admit the truth of the abuse, and she finally had the courage to break up with him.
Jill L. Ferguson frequently writes about family issues. She also is an editor, public speaker and professor. Her novel, Sometimes Art Can't Save You, about a dysfunctional family and a teen who is trying to find her place in it, was published in October 2005 by In Your Face Ink (http://www.inyourfaceink.com).
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