|
Author: Dr. Robert Huizenga Article source: http://allwomencentral.com/. Used with author's permission.
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, "falling out of love" and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to "recapture" those feelings.
This person has found a "significant other" who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again "feels in love."
They are determined not to "settle" for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it's supposed to be. "Falling in love" is the norm - the implication being, that if it doesn't happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find "that loving feeling" (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a "good" person and the desire to "find that loving feeling" seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, "falling out of love" usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person "looking for love" is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being "in love" is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a "lull" in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won't get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site. Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627
The Inspirational Power Of A Golf Training Video
Many golf training videos in the market today will show you in great detail, how some of the PGA professionals do it and the so-called secrets behind their succ...
L-Glutathione, The Wonder Antioxidant
A naturally occurring compound, L-Glutathione (Tathion,) has demonstrated that it is effective in fighting cancer, environmental poisons, and even cataracts. So...
Winning Sales Proposals
Your proposal is selling for you when you're not there, so it must reflect your standards of professionalism. Like it or not, sales proposals are a tool of the ...
What Is Good Parenting?
If you want parenting success, don't put your children down but practice a communication that is affirmative and positive. How do you do this in practice?
A Pass / Fail Test for Any New Market
Not all new business markets are created the same! Take a moment to define for each target market you want to pursue for your business and run each market throu...
An Aspirin A Day Can Give You Cancer
A recent study involving 88,000 nurses revealed a 58% increase in the risk of
pancreatic cancer among those who took 2 or more aspirins per week for 20
years ...
Planning for Success - A Positive Approach
Some people are under the misguided impression that planning is a waste of time and effort. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Quality Beats Quantity Every Time
What's the point of devoting your time and energies to marketing to a massive group of people without first knowing whether they have a real interest in what yo...
Improving Your Spiritual Life (for Christians)
If you're reading this, you probably want to improve your spiritual life. If you're like many of the people I've talked to you've probably been spoon fed cliché...
The Seven Tips That Ensure Your Success Online
This article outlines the right mindset for creating a successful business online...
How Often Each Day Should I Read or Say My Desire Statement?
In short, it's not about how often you do each step of the Law of Attraction formula.
Spyware Symptoms
If you have any of these symptoms of spyware, you may have unwanted software programs installed on your computer.
Factors that Affect the Nutritional Requirements of an Individual.
Factors that affect the nutritional requirements of an individual.
Traffic Building - Understanding the Basics
So, you've spent hundreds of thousands on a state-of-the-art website. Your client is happy, and your hard work has paid off. The site goes live and the telesale...
The Sellers Creed
I will not make sales. I will make Customers.
I will target the heart of my Customer. Never their wallet.
My Customer is the lifeblood of my business.
Brand Name Identity in the Oil Business
I submit to you that Brand Name Identity in the Oil Business is just a important today as it was when Mobil Oil and McDonalds were building their brands. Perhap...
Debt Consolidation – Discipline is Required if Consolidating with Home Equity
Borrowing against the equity in your home is a great way to consolidate debt. But it can backfire if you aren't careful.
A Productive Garage is Not a Messy One
An organized garage will help you get more projects done, and save
time. Keeping tools in their place will help you keep your garage
organized and find that y...
How to Win at Golf
What's the point of playing sport if you don't want to win? You may try to kid yourself that you're playing for the good of your health or because you enjoy the...
MLM Training Tools:The Top 10 Resource Sites in Network Marketing for MLM Tools
Looking for Training Tools in MLM? Look no further! After months of research, here are the top 10 resources and the 5 things you need to consider before buying ...
Increase Your Website Popularity with 500 Words
Are you looking to increase your relevancy in the search engines? You probably have heard that increasing the links to your site has an impact on your listing. ...
The UGLY Practice of Sniping - Some Personal Experiences I Have Had
At the time of writing this particular article I was conscious that I was setting myself up as a target. I knew that. When I actually posted the article I wonde...
Google AdWords and AdSense - A Dynamic Small Business Marketing Duo
Unless you have been living under a rock for the last year or so, you probably know that Google has become the king of the search engine hill. There are many re...
What is Neurotransmitter Deficiency Disorder and How Can It Cause Depression, Anxiety, and...
People with neurotransmitter deficiency disorder can suffer from one or more of the following conditions: obesity, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, chronic fa...
|
Print this page