If You Are Rejected!

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Author: Sanjeev Sharma

Article source: http://sanjeevhimachali.blogspot.com/. Used with author's permission.

This article exemplifies the inner working of emotional intelligence. Effectively working through one tough situation at a time can build our emotional competence... dealing with rejection is one such tough situation. This article fits under Goleman's second level EQ: Self-management (as I manage my own emotions inside of rejection) AND under Goleman's third level EQ: Social Competence (as I use empathy to understand the rejecter.

If You Are Rejected

There are billions of people across the globe, not everyone will accept you. Accept you, yes, here I mean, accepting you, as you are what you are. All did not accept even people like Gandhi, Lincoln, and Mother Teresa, to name a few. There are thousands of people in the CTI community, not all will read this write-up, many will put this in the trash-box, some will simply reject the thought and some other will disagree with my opinion and thought process and only few will reply to me and will give constructive feedback.

There are many phases and occasions in life where you may get rejected:

1) Rejection by prospective employer- you know it, you might have faced numerous interviews to get selected in one.

2) Rejection by family- these days we are hearing many cases of disowning the parents and/or children that is why there are so many old-age homes.

3) Rejection by spouse- there are many divorce cases pending in various courts.

4) Rejection by friends-in a group of more than two people not everyone will accept you.

5) Rejection by society- if you are not following the rigid rules and customs of society…they will reject you.

Facing Rejection

When we feel the blow of major rejection—the betrayal of a close friend, a wound from a family member, the unfaithfulness of a mate—we may wonder if we'll ever find someone who will love us again. As we try to make sense of our pain, we can be tempted to respond to rejection in destructive ways:

• Self-contempt means we take the full responsibility for the failure of the relationship. We wonder, What is it about me that causes people to leave me? Is there something so repulsive that no one can love me?

• Contempt for others holds others fully responsible for the downfall of the relationship. We view them as evil. We write them off with, "It's all their fault."

• Contempt for God blames Him for our pain. We reason that if He is in control of our lives and He loves us, He should have protected us from this heartbreaking experience.

At first, contempt for ourselves, others, and God seems to work well. It helps us maintain the façade that we have everything under control because we have "explained" the reason for the pain. But any form of contempt is not the answer.

The more self-critical you are, the less you'll be able to tolerate comments you perceive as negative from your partner. Not surprisingly, therefore, the end of a relationship that wasn't your decision can be tough.

Often, the severest self-critics had a childhood in which there was so much chaos or other diversions in the family that the quiet child who made no fuss was ignored and, as a result, felt invisible. Or perhaps the child grew up in an authoritarian home environment where an iron rule was imposed on the household by at least one of the caregivers. Either of these situations can cause a child to become highly self-critical as an adult. Both invisibility and abundant disapproval become equated with not being good enough because a person learns to vigilantly self-monitor his or her actions to keep the peace (and avoid harm).

Now, that you are rejected…what to do next! Reframe rejection as a blessing in disguise. Ask yourself: What do I gain by not having this person in my life? What adjustments was I making to accommodate her/his idiosyncrasies? What do I no longer have to put up with that I disliked while we were together? What freedoms did I forego to meet him/her more than halfway? Consider writing your answers in your journal or diary. The more you discover about what isn't a good match, the better you can develop your own assessment about what kind of person is.

Rather than wallow in payback, take time to reflect and ask yourself insight-provoking questions, such as:

"What did I learn from this experience? What am I going to do differently next time?"

Like your successes, relationships that didn't go well can be equally valuable -- if only to teach you what to avoid.

Finally, realize that each person walking away from a relationship is experiencing a loss. Allow yourself to grieve. You need comforting. And while you're at it, be kind to yourself and take some time to make yourself feel better. It doesn't have to be a day at the spa or a night on the town (or the prowl), although it could be. Perhaps it's a good time to take a vacation to somewhere completely unlike where you live. As you rack up frequent flier miles, you'll gain emotional distance and perhaps a healthier perspective for a fresh start when you return.

Conclusion:

If you are rejected, it doesn't mean that you are not good or there is some flaw in you, only thing is that your thoughts are not in line with the person on other side. It is just a difference of opinion. Like success and failure; happiness and sadness; we also have acceptance and rejections.

You're a natural born flyer--the world's one-and- only "you." The magic feather of "belief" is the mind's way of remembering what is already true.

Here is one poem, in Hindi:

Kabhi kissi ke liye koi nahi rukta;
Kissi ke jaane se duniya nahi rukti;
Thodi si dhoop; thodi si chaav;
Thodi si hansi; thode se ansoo
Issi ka naam to zindagi hai…and life goes on…

Looking for to your feedback and replies, provided if you accepting my thoughts.

Regards

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