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Author: Randy Hurlburt Article source: http://www.customzones.com/. Used with author's permission.
Relationships are complicated, confusing, and uncertain. I wish they were not. I hate uncertainty. I want to know (now!) if it will last, if it will be good, when we will have sex, what to do next, and so on (and on and on...).
But giving in to these uncertainties is a form of insecurity. The reality is that the future will reveal itself in its own time, and pushing for resolution sooner than that is a good way to make mistakes.
Patti and Ralph (not their real names) have been dating for three years. The relationship is a serious though not exclusive one. They spend a lot of time together, and have talked of marriage, but Patti is not ready. Ralph loves her very much but wonders if he is wasting his time. He has gone out with others, but until recently hasn't found anyone he loves more. Three months ago he met Sarah and is feeling a strong sense of attraction to her.
Ralph feels a lot of anxiety, and is considering breaking up with Patti. He wants to pursue his new love interest in Sarah, but isn't sure how it will go there either. He wants to be open and honest with Patti, but doesn't want to hurt her and doesn't want to burn any bridges in case things don't work out with Sarah or in case Patti suddenly wants a more complete relationship.
This situation is very common. I hear many different versions of it in my coaching practice. And nothing happens "suddenly." Ralph (and the many others like him) find themselves "on the cusp" (meaning the situation could go either way). They are uncertain as to which way it will go (or what to do), and as a result feel anxious, even depressed, and can sometimes find it difficult to eat or sleep. They want to make a decision and get the uncertainty over with!
What Ralph needs to do is to develop the skill of "living with uncertainty." There are a lot of uncertainties in Ralph's situation. Patti is no doubt moving in some direction (toward or away from him), but he doesn't know which direction it is or how long it will take. Neither does he know what the relationship may look like along the way. His interest in Sarah is still fresh, still in the infatuation stage, and there remain a lot of open questions about its future.
It's fortunate for Ralph that he is not in an exclusive relationship. His dilemmas and anxiety would be even worse if he were married or had an exclusivity agreement.
What he needs to do is to is to take this one day at a time. Because this condition may extend for quite some time, he will have to build up his emotional strength. He will need to work at resolving both relationships and work to be as honest as possible with all parties. None of this will happen overnight, but he can feel good about himself if he is working towards those goals.
Progress will not be linear. One day he will feel pulled more towards Patti, the next day more towards Sarah. And "resolving" each relationship may mean different things. With Patti it may mean building it towards a good friendship if Sarah keeps coming on strong. With Sarah it may mean building a "trial relationship" on an interim basis while waiting to see what happens with Patti.
You may feel that I am advocating "two-timing." I am not. I am advocating dealing as constructively as possible with the realities of life situations that present uncertainties and create anxieties. In this situation there is not an exclusivity arrangement, and this illustrates the importance of delaying such arrangements, be they verbal agreements, engagements, or marriage. (Three years may be a little long... but the issue is readiness, not time!)
The necessary skills for dealing with uncertainty are patience, living in the moment, slow-motion small decisions, not being attached to any particular outcome, gradually revealing your true feelings, and finding plenty of other distractions to keep your mind off the problem. Understanding why people are uncertain and why resolution is so slow is also an important skill.
Ralph can feel good about himself if he is constructively working towards the resolution of his issues while not forcing them into pre-conceived molds or premature decisions.
Copyright 2005, Randy Hurlburt Randy Hurlburt is an internationally acclaimed relationship coach, speaker, and author of "Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know The Odds)." A finalist for "Best Psychology/Self-Help Book" in the 2005 Benjamin Franklin Awards," Randy's book is about why good love (and good sex) are so hard to find, and includes love tests to measure romantic chemistry and emotional maturity.
Website: http://loveisnotagame.com
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