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Author: Kelly Nault Article source: http://www.certificate.net/. Used with author's permission.
Parenting Question
"Kelly, I am a concerned aunt who has heard you on the
radio and like your practical and straightforward approach. I have a BIG
question. Recently, my 13-year-old niece has become friends with a group (some
who think it is fun to hang out on the streets) who are negatively impacting her
life. Once an honor roll student, her grades have plummeted and she is now on
the verge of expulsion. Often she does not come home on weekends and is doing
drugs. She hasn't taken crystal meth, but it seems that she is on that path. I
am scared for her and for my brother who has picked her up now six times from
the emergency room after various overdoses. Her punishments don't seem to be
working. Yet, how else can we get her to listen? My question is what can I do
and what can parents do to prevent this from happening to their kids?"—Aunt Who
Is Concerned About Difficult Behavior in Adolescents
Positive Parenting Tip for Difficult Behavior in Adolescents
Dear Aunt Who Is Concerned About Difficult Behavior in Adolescents:
You are not alone in your concern when it comes to teens and the negative
influence drugs can have on their life. The American 2004 Partnership Attitude
Tracking Study (PATS) found that:
• Less than 18% of parents believe their teenager has smoked marijuana, yet
39% percent of teens report using this drug.
• Just 1% of parents today believe their teen has used Ecstasy, yet 9% of
teens (approximately 2.1 million) state they have used this drug.
• Although most parents say they believe it is important to discuss drugs with
their kids, less than 35% of teens report learning a lot about the dangers of
drugs from home.
When teens do not learn about the risks of drugs from home (other than the
glamorized versions of drug addiction depicted on television and in the movies),
you can bet they are learning from their friends. This is exactly why education
in the home is so important.
Preventing Difficult Behavior in Adolescents
There are simple, powerful ways to help your child be protected from the
negative effects of drugs and alcohol. You can make a critical difference in
your teenager's life by:
1. Building Your Child's Self-esteem - All children want to belong and
please their parents. And yet, if their sole self-esteem comes from being a
"pleaser" who is fed by outside validation alone (rather than by feeling good
about themselves), they can be easily seduced by their peers to experiment with
drugs. Help prevent your child from seeking external validation later on by
focusing on your child's passions at an early age, helping them learn from the
consequences of their own actions, and by using encouragement that feeds their
internal validation (all discussed in detail in my book When You're About To Go
Off The Deep End, Don't Take Your Kids With You).
2. Teaching Them about the REAL Effects of Drugs - The more children know
about the reality of drug addiction and life on the streets, the better off they
will be. All children are curious about the world and about "forbidden fruits".
The more you hide, the more they will seek. Discuss and look for lessons around
the tough stuff like drugs and alcohol as they come up in your child's life.
Talk about the uncle who is an alcoholic, the cousin who is a drug addict and
look for movies or experiences (like a visit to a drug rehab center) that
illustrate the detrimental effects of drugs.
3. Using Consequences that are Directly Related to Misbehavior - When
dealing with difficult behavior in adolescents, avoid punishments such as taking
away privileges: they only teach a child to "not get caught" next time. Make
certain the consequence is related to your child's misbehavior. For instance, if
your child comes home late, taking away TV privileges is not related and will
probably be ineffective. Telling them they will need to come home one hour
earlier until they prove to you they can be trusted to follow their curfew is
related. The more harshly you punish, the more your child will learn how to
become a good liar. Keep your consequences firm, but kind. This will help to
keep the communication lines open, an essential for keeping your children safe.
4. Coming Clean with Your Own History about Drugs and Alcohol -
Pretending that you are "holier than thou" when you yourself experimented with
drugs and alcohol—and the evidence is overwhelming that you did at least one of
these before the legal age limit—only makes you a hypocrite. Your children will
see right through you. If you yourself are a substance abuser, take a good hard
look in the mirror. Children tend to model exactly what they see. Be honest and
forthcoming with your concerns.
Dealing with Adolescent Substance Abuse
If your teen is already doing drugs or alcohol, here are some suggestions:
1. Steer Clear from Punishments - Many parents, counselors and other
experts speak of a 'zero tolerance' policy and recommend firm punishment. As
stated above, if the punishment you're dishing out is not directly related to
the misbehavior, you will only be teaching your teen to not get caught next
time. You are also not giving them an opportunity to really learn from their
experiences. I recently counseled a 16-year-old who attends weekly parties where
lots of drugs are present. She simply stated, "When my mom comes down harsh on
me, I just want to do it more."
2. Get Outside Help If Your Teen is Addicted - Drug addiction is too big
a problem to deal with alone—period! Learn the signs and act quickly. When it
comes to breaking an addiction, constant and professional supervision is needed.
Contact drug and alcohol rehab centers in your area and get help.
3. Be Open to Hearing the Tough Stuff - Strive for open and respectful
communication between you and your teen. Listen to them and listen well. What is
it that they are really needing? If you jump all over your teen when they tell
you they would like to know what it's like to be drunk, find out more. The more
you can hear, the more they will tell—and the better chance you have of keeping
them safe.
4. Create a Solid Community - The more extended family members and
friends that your teen feels comfortable sharing with, the better! Develop this
network and find ways to keep your teen involved in positive and meaningful
ways. Encourage and look for ways your teen can make positive contributions to
your family, your religious organization, your community, etc.
Experimentation with drugs and alcohol are the most difficult behaviors in
adolescents that parents will face—whether they want to or not. There are no
quick and simple answers. Although you may want to lock your teen up until they
make it safely to age 21, this solution isn't practical or feasible. Improve
your chances of keeping your teen safe by keeping the communication lines open,
having clearly defined rules, and remaining kind—but firm. Kelly Nault, MA author of When You're About To Go Off The Deep End,
Don't Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the
sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to
want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her
free online parenting course here.
You are free to print or publish this article provided the article and bio
remain as written and include a link to http://www.mommymoments.com as above.
© 2005 UltimateParent.com - All rights reserved.
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