|
Author: Wayne Mitchell Article source: http://www.oxegen.us/. Used with author's permission.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 10, 2002
I told my daughter I didn't think my daughter-in-law paid enough attention to her oldest son, 8. He has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is on Ritalin, and lately has been kicking and hitting little kids.
My daughter and I had a falling out, and she told my daughter-in-law what I said. My daughter-in-law was furious. I tried to explain that I did not call her a bad mother. Well, you can imagine what happened. We haven't spoken in a week. Do I let time take care of this, or do I send her the letter I wrote trying to explain myself?
I am very family oriented and, most of the time, pretty direct. Probably to a fault. My daughter and I are not speaking either, so at this point I am estranged from both girls, and my four grandsons. By the way, I am 57 and divorced.
Selma
Selma, you shouldn't be surprised by your daughter's actions. As she grew up, how many times did she watch you make statements about others when they were not around? This time the person not present happened to be you. You fashioned your own punishment.
The statement you made about your daughter-in-law accomplished nothing. It was nothing but criticism. It wasn't said to aid or assist. She is dealing with a difficult problem which medication helps but doesn't cure, and you offered no solution.
Now you are estranged from your daughter, daughter-in-law, their husbands, and your grandchildren. Is this what you want? Doesn't it indicate a need to look within yourself for a solution? Someday you may finally say something that an apology won't fix.
It is never too late to admit we have more to learn. If family is what you value, then redefine your role within the family. Your role is not to speak whatever thought crosses your mind. Your role is to love, care, and help. If what you are thinking doesn't do one of those three things, don't say it or do it.
It will be easier to get past this if the other family members believe you are going to make a true change. But if you apologize and don't change, that will make your apology worthless. The others will say, "She wasn't really sorry. She's at it again."
Revise the letter to your daughter-in-law, then send it. Strive to be the person admired by your family as the one they can trust to help them when possible, the one who maintains a confidence when she can't help, and the one who loves them always.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, "If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here beside me." It's a clever line, and criticism makes us feel superior to others, but there is always a price to be paid.
Wayne & Tamara
Backlash
I'm 17 and have been going out with my girlfriend for five months. She has a lot of male friends, about eight close ones, and she is very outgoing. I completely trust her, but I get really mad when I see her talking to other guys.
My jealousy is tearing our relationship apart, and we're going to break up for a couple of days so she can think about things. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I need help fast.
Steve
Steve, jealousy is about ownership and control, snooping and suspicion. It has nothing to do with love. You cannot get love by grasping too tightly. The only way you can get it is by giving another the opportunity and freedom to show they love you.
Jealousy puts a damper on a relationship from both directions. One grasps, the other wants to flee. Grasping accuses another of doing something wrong, and they will seek to escape. When someone loves you, a tight grasp is not required.
Wayne & Tamara About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
What Gals Really Want For Christmas!
Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat. Make sure your goose isn't cooked by misreading the clues the lady in your life gives out to help you buy what...
How to Plan a Vacations of the Mind
Part 1 Recently, in a women's therapy group that I run, the desire for fun and a change of pace over took me. I suggested that we deviate from some of our typic...
MLM Frauds – How to Avoid Them
While network marketing is one of the best models of free enterprise, scamsters have created a bad name for this system of enterprise by exploiting the loophole...
4th Chakra: Opening Your Hearts Emotional Power to Transform
Your fourth chakra is your body's energy center for unconditional love, for yourself and others.
Your First Summer Work in the UK - Picking Strawberries The Right Way
When you are off to your first seasonal summer job, picking strawberries or helping the farmer with other summer fruits, you should what the work will take all ...
7 Ways to Self-Promote Within Your E-zine
We all know that an e-zine won't attract and keep subscribers without offering insightful, practical content. If you only drone on and on about how wonderful yo...
No Fax Payday Loans Online for a Fast Cash Advance Loan
Getting a payday cash advance loan online can be easier if you use a company that you won't have to fax anything with.
Building Your Bankroll
Building your bankroll and using smart money management is just as important as picking the right games to bet on. You may be thinking to yourself that this is...
Are My Grapes Ready to Harvest?
Jim Bruce of Rist Canyon Vineyards discusses the factors involved in how to determine whether your grapes are ripe and ready for harvesting. This article is fo...
Boost Your Income With Trade Journals
If you want to make the move to full-time freelancer and neglect trade journals, you're missing a lucrative opportunity. Writers who submit manuscripts to trade...
Things to Look for When Buying a Studio Microphone
Studio microphones need to accomplish one thing and one thing only: to record the best possible voice or musical instrument sounds. In order to do that, they us...
Take Your Firm to the Next Level
So you did such a good job in 2003 at bringing in new clients to your firm that you're swamped with business, your firm is large and growing, and all parts of y...
How To Use Diet To Reduce Your Stress
Stress in modern life is made worse by the way we eat. Stress leads to poor balance of our blood sugar levels and we can become addicted to stress. This leads t...
5 Illustrious Strategies To Explode Your Web Site Traffic
Are you spending hundreds of dollars on advertising campaigns, only to find out that you have earned a very small profit or none at all? Here are 5 illustrious ...
Remedies for a Wet Basement
A wet basement can be just a nuisance or even real nightmare. Each year, thousands of homeowners are faced with the unpleasant side effects of seasonal rainfall...
Kill the Hype
She was waiting for me when I returned from a meeting. Standing outside my office door, I could tell by her downward glance, Jodie was not there to give me good...
Macintosh: Apples for Businessmen
Contrary to popular belief, there is a lot more to the modern Mac than gorgeous design, trend-setting store architecture, iPods, and fantastic commercials. Mac ...
The Principle Golf Power Swing Tip Has Nothing To Do With Trying To Hit It With All Your Strength
Genuine golf power swing tips will have little or nothing to do with a golfer trying to hit the ball with all their strength.
3 Simple Ways to Generate Cash Flow
This article focuses on generating cash as a full time job or "on the side" to support your business. These are three easy methods that will help you grow your...
Garbage In Its Place
There is nothing worse than seeing garbage blowing down
the street of your neighborhood, or finding broken shards of
glass at the local swimming hole where ch...
Arbitrageous Outrageous and Immoral
Surely someone other than John Ralston Saul (Kings College Doctor of Economics) has noticed the fact that these things are even more important than the wars of ...
Mentors, Teachers And Coaches
I believe there's power in acknowledging with gratitude the source of things, including that, for me, God is the source of all. I also know that sometimes she ...
Arginine, Is This Natural Viagra?
Recent studies have indicated that the dietary supplement L-Arginine works in your body to produce a compound, Nitric Oxide which is used by the male reproducti...
The Federal Trade Commission, reality check
Federal Trade Commission Owes Industry and Entrepreneurs an Apology. The Federal Trade Commission's Consumer Protection Division's Franchise Group owes the indu...
|
Print this page