There have been many books about Communication, Communication Styles, and Conflict Resolution Techniques.
This article is to focus on the less common, but just as important areas of communication known as:
Body Language
Tone
Indirect Communication
Contrary to popular belief, as mentioned in the romantic comedy "Hitch" with Will Smith, words are only a small fraction of the communication.
In fact, according to Rob, (Director/Counsellor of The Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre, and Co-author of Love by Design http://www.LoveByDesignBook.com) says that the following is roughly how communication is divided.
10% of Communication is conducted through Words.
30% of Communication is conducted through Tone.
60% of Communication is conducted by Body Language.
So what does this mean? We spend the majority of the time focusing on what people are directly saying, but we are missing 90% of what people are really saying. It is no wonder then, that above and beyond couples not having the same communication modes, or not having relationship skills, miscommunication can also be occurring because we are not focusing on the full picture
Indirect Communication is also an alternate form of communication, because a person needs to listen to what is being said underneath the words, and not take the words at face value only.
Let's give some examples of the less well know forms of communication.
BODY LANGUAGE: When a couple comes for counselling, by the time they sit down on the couch together, we already have an idea of the dynamics of the relationship. How? By how they are sitting on the couch. Is the couple sitting on opposite ends of the couch? Are they sitting close together, are they leaning towards each other, away from each other? Is one couple leaning away from the other even though the other is leaning towards the other one? Is one person practically sitting on the other? Are they holding hands? Does someone have their arm behind the other one? Are they sitting forward, leaning back relaxed, or sitting up poker straight? Is someone fidgeting or restless? Is someone hugging a pillow, or putting a pillow between themselves and their partner? There is a lot going on, if one is aware.
It is important when communicating to be aware of one's body language. Often a person may shutdown by something the first partner is saying or doing, but are not saying anything, so the first partner continues unaware.
As an example, if someone shuts down, they may lean away from you, they may or may not be smiling, they may have a very tight, restricted look on their face. Their eyes will usually be directed away, looking down, or looking up and away. If they do maintain eye contact, chances are their arms will be crossed.
Arms being crossed is fascinating, in and of itself and has more than one meaning, but as the person doing the communicating and as the receiver of the communication it can send different messages. It may need to be checked out to prevent misinterpretation. Arms crossed could mean:
They are angry
They feel encroached upon or threatened
They are taking a stand or being stubborn
They feel anxious or uncomfortable
They are cold
TONE: We once had a couple come in to see us where the wife's main complaint was that she didn't like the way her husband talks to her. She said she told him time and again that he had to stop talking so angrily towards her, and she couldn't handle the intensity when they talked.
The husband was truly perplexed. He honestly though his wife must be hypertensive or looking into things that weren't there because as he explained, he never yells or raises his voice towards her and he never says anything derogatory or mean to her. So what was going on?
When explained to him that it was his tone and intensity of his voice that was conveying anger, he responded by saying…" Tone? What's tone?"
He never knew that people can react to the tone of one's voice. He just thought communication was black and white, you are either yelling or not yelling.
Tone can be much more subtle, but just as powerful. Many years ago, when I was going through a marriage prep class with my 1st husband, one of the marriage prep teachers, pulled me aside one day and asked me, if I ever noticed the tone of my voice before. I said" No, what are talking about?" He said that I had a tone to my voice that said "I'm not worthy" to people.
Now, I was shocked at first because of this man's honestly and truth. But he was dead on with how I was feeling inside at the time, and to my surprise it was actually coming through in my tone.
So the bottom line, you may think you are just communicating with words, but there is a whole other conversation going on, that people can pick up by your tone whether it is intentional or unintentional.
Lastly, there is INDIRECT COMMUNICATION
It is very important to be a Direct Communicator, express what you feel, think or need directly. Communication is a very subjective art in the first place because everyone has filters when it comes to interpreting what other people mean due to your belief systems, your mood, past traumas, experience and education.
What one thing means to you may not have the same meaning to another person. So if you are the type of person who uses indirect communication to express your needs you are complicating your communication ten fold. You are opening up tons of new interpretations that are not necessary, in hopes of couching your needs or hoping that you are not going to cause a reaction from the person you are asking the request from.
The reality is that you are actually decreasing your chances of the person you are communicating with understanding what you want, plus you are potentially frustrating the other person with unclear messages. Sometimes, indirect communication can also cause the other person to feel like you are trying to control, care give or influence them, instead of stating what you want.
The following are some examples from a book called Relationships and Family Living by EMC publishing, about what they call Coded Messages, that is used in schools to help teach elementary students to learn how the decode indirect communication. See if you can interpret Coded Messages. The answer key is underneath
Coded Messages (See their corresponding Uncoded Messages Below):
1) " I wish I could get sick once in a while like Michael. He's so lucky.
2) " I got an "F" on this last English test. I can't get into studying. ________________
3) " I want to talk with you about Dave. He's gotten so he hates to come to school." ________________
4) " Daddy, please take me to the classroom for play school." _________________
5) "Why am I always the one being sent to detention? Everyone else was goofing around, too." _________________
6) "Don't' call my parents about what I did. They'll ground me forever." ___________________
7) "I don't like class. It's noisy and I can't accomplish anything." __________________
8) "Why do we have to study spelling? That doesn't help me read faster." ___________________
ANSWER KEY (Uncoded Messages)
1) I don't want to go to school
2) He's blaming his F on his studying skills.
3) He's not coming to school.
4) I want to play.
5) I'm mad about detention. It's unfair.
6) I'll get in trouble.
7) I can't think when it's loud.
8) I'm a slow reader.
SOLUTIONS
So the following are suggestions for dealing with these forms of communications:
1) Be aware of your own Body Language, Tone and Indirect Communication.
2) Be aware of your partner's Body Language, Tone and Indirect Communication.
3) If in doubt , check it out - Ask always in a way so you are owning your own feelings or observations, such as " I feel like you may be annoyed with me because I hear a sharpness in your voice, how do you feel?" OR "I noticed that your arms are crossed, how are you feeling or what are you thinking?" If it is an indirect communication, feedback what you think they are saying and see if you have hit it on the nose or not. Sometimes, Indirect Communicators still won't tell you what they are really thinking, so reassure them that it is safe to voice their option or ask for what they want.
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